Narcissism Victim Syndrome, A New
Diagnosis?
Do you see a preponderance of middle aged women in your practices with no
particular physical disease process, yet a variety of physical and/or
emotional complaints, including: insomnia, weight loss or gain, depression,
anxiety, phobias, broken bones, lacerations, or bruises? Some may report an
overwhelming feeling of emptiness or doom. Others may talk about or attempt
suicide.
These patients are frequently rather nervous, with a guilt-ridden, anxious
look and effect. They may appear restless, worried, and/or demonstrate a
fake laugh that seems to hide something else.
In extreme cases they may describe sudden outbursts of rage with
accompanying violence. They may have even been arrested for assault on their
spouse. A few of them are men.
Who are these patients and how did they get this way? While there may be
many situations with similar symptoms, it is important to recognize these
may be "Victims of Narcissists" and they need your help. While narcissism
itself has been a diagnosis in the DSM - IV, psychiatry's complete
reference, little to nothing has been written in the medical literature
surrounding those who live with the narcissist … and the torturous lives
they live. And there are many of them out there.
Narcissism is a broad spectrum of behaviors. On a scale of 1 - 10, Healthy
Narcissism is a one, and Pathological Narcissism, or Narcissistic
Personality Disorder, (NPD) is a 10.
Healthy Narcissism is something we all can use. It's having a healthy
self-esteem. It's what makes us pick ourselves up after experiencing failure
and going on towards the next goal. It's what gives us the ability to help
each other, and to love someone - as we already know how to love ourselves.
Yet, Pathological Narcissism is an ironic twist of this healthy state.
Outwardly, it appears that these people love themselves too much - to the
exclusion of anyone else. It is as if they are God himself and those around
them must recognize their omnipotence, supreme knowledge, and absolute
entitlement and power. Rules don't apply to them. They have an unrealistic
and overblown sense of self, often without the credentials to match, as well
as fantasies of unlimited power, success, and/or brilliance. They are
interpersonally exploitive and have absolutely no understanding of empathy
or compassion.
They are neither kind nor benevolent gods. And those who live with them end
up paying the price.
While there is a range of narcissistic behaviors lying between level 1 and
10 on this scale, one doesn't need to have full-blown NPD to do incredible
damage to those in the inner circle.
While victims of Narcissists are generally codependents, most have no idea
how they got in this situation, because in the early stages of the
relationship the Narcissistic person can be the most charming, Academy Award
winning actor or actress (according to the DSM-IV, 50-75% of narcissists are
men), of the century.
The early days of the dating is fast, furious, and vastly romantic.
Oftentimes marriage proposals come within a few weeks. The "victim" sees the
narcissist as the "Perfect Partner". She's never met someone so wonderful in
her lifetime and falls head-over-heels in love. The two go on to live
happily ever after - or so she thinks - until the "real" partner surfaces.
The once wonderful Dr. Jekyll turns into the dangerous Mr. Hyde who quickly
instills fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and total confusion to the
relationship.
The change can be quick and powerful or slow and insidious.
We are all way too familiar with overt narcissists: those abusive husbands
who send thousands of battered women to the emergency room each year. They
feel it is their God-given right to beat, abuse, and otherwise threat their
partner in whatever method they deem necessary and no one can tell them
otherwise.
Then there is the verbally abusive and controlling narcissist … the one who
uses emotional abuse as his weapon of choice. He tells his victim who she
can see, what time she needs to be home, and when she can go to bed. Or in
the case of Jamie, whose husband makes her recite every day, "I'm only worth
29 cents - the price of a bullet," he erodes her self-worth to nothing to
keep her under his control.
Who else could possible want such a worthless woman as she? With that
belief, she will never leave him for good, although she makes many brief
attempts to do so. She always returns. The brainwashing that continues day
after day is emotionally exhausting, draining, and vastly unhealthy.
Yet almost worse is the "Stealth Narcissist," so sinister and silent in his
ability to drive his partner crazy that she doesn't suspect anything bad is
happening until it's too late. He is the master of the little digs … "Honey,
why on earth would you cook eggs in butter? NO ONE does it that way. What's
wrong with you?" Or, "If you'd only do what I say then we'd both be happy."
He issues the "silent treatment" when he is slighted, punishing his family
by ignoring them for hours, leaving them wondering what they did "wrong" to
make him act this way. He may "forget" birthday or Christmas presents, year
after year. He may show up hours late and his partner is just supposed to
understand, with no explanation even offered. He may have another woman on
the side and feel quite entitled to do so.
Yet, to those outside his inner kingdom he looks like a saint. He probably
is president of the Rotary, volunteers at a food bank, and contributes
regularly to charity … all to attain the image of being the admired Superman
of his community.
No matter which type of narcissist he is, the end result is the same … a
slow, insidious, breaking down of the self-esteem of his victims until
there's next to nothing left, at which point, the narcissist will frequently
throw his partner out in order to look for someone new and full of life to
make his next target. Leaving his victim an emotional wreck wondering what
she did to destroy their once "perfect" relationship.
The Narcissist himself rarely changes. After all, if you believe you're
God-like, you must be perfect. Why should you change your behavior for
anyone else? Yet the biggest secret is that deep inside, he loathes himself,
and is desperate that no one find out who the "real" person is inside his
tough, outer shell.
Victims are not only spouses. They can be coworkers, employees, children, or
friends of narcissists. When the narcissist is the victim's mother, it's a
difficult spot to be in, as most children (even grown children) find it
almost impossible to leave the relationship. And the abuse continues for
years.
However, when the narcissist is your patient's boss, coworker, or friend, it
may be wise to counsel the victim to seek a new situation elsewhere to best
avoid an emotional roller coaster ride that could lead to extreme health
issues down the road.
How can you help those with Narcissism Victim Syndrome? First, by asking
questions to determine what is going on in their environment. Health care
professionals already know the effect that stress has on so many of us, but
the added stress of living with a narcissist is rarely understood or
recognized by the victims themselves. Knowledge is power and by asking the
right questions about their situation, you might be able to help them begin
to better recognize their problem and seek help.
You can help them quit being victims, quit blaming themselves for all that's
wrong in their relationships, gain knowledge of this disorder, and regain
their personal power. Help them to seek counseling from a therapist
knowledgeable about narcissism, (not all are, and few fully understand
victim issues at all - see
www.helpfromsurvivors.com), in order to rebuild their shattered
self-esteem and stop looking and acting like a caged animal.
Help them find hope, before years of stuffing their anger due to this
abusive treatment, leads them to venting in unhealthy ways, sometimes
leading to domestic violence and police intervention. Help them to stop
looking like the sick one in the relationship and to start down the road of
being a survivor and no longer a victim. Help them escape symptoms of
depression that may, in some cases, lead to suicide.
Learn all you can about the "Narcissism Victim Syndrome". You might light a
glimmer of hope for someone who's just barely hanging on for dear life.
Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN is a national speaker, author, columnist and survivor
of several narcissistic relationships. Her new book, "When Your Perfect
Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong - Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your
Life" is available at
http://www.helpfromsurvivors.com or
http://www.outoftheboxx.com/. She can be reached at 303-841-7691.
Copyright by Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN
CLICK HERE to view article on MNT's web site.
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